I moved into my newest ´home' just over a week ago, and I´m settling in slowly but surely. The place I´m living is definitely part of this learning journey on many levels.
The place I´m in is a house/cat-sit . .. I am looking after 2 cats and the house while their owner goes traveling, although I have not committed to remain until she returns . . . because like me, she doesn´t have a return ticket. I have, however, committed to staying at least until the end of March to provide the animals with some continuity. It appears that is no small deal . . . while one of the cats has warmed to me fairly quickly, the other is far more skittish, and I think needs the longer term stability. New 'sitters' every month will not go over well.
It is still amazing to me that I was offered this opportunity (virtually for free . . . just pay the hydro and cat food) so quickly and that it came together so easily. A powerful reminder that the universe provides and that my old habits of panic and scramble really don´t serve me. So that is powerful lesson number one.
The other powerful learning for me in this place is about what I can really handle, and what I really need in order to live well. When I moved to Cortes . . . and even until I left, I would never have lived in a place this rustic. I was convinced that I needed indoor plumbing, amongst other things, in order to stay sane and live comfortably. I also resisted 'studio' style places, convinced I needed more space.
So here I am, living in a one room shack with no plumbing at all in it. In a space I estimate to be about 6 x 12 or 15 feet I have my bed, a small fridge, a stove and some shelving. Outside, about 10 feet away is my bathroom - it does have running water for the shower and the sink, and a compost toilet. I do dishes another 10 feet away at an outdoor sink setup common here for dishes and laundry.
There is also a beautiful 3 story adobe house right in front of me that is part of the package. . . .but it doesn´t yet have windows, doors or stairs. I could sleep on the top floor if I was willing to do the ladder thing . . . but I´m just not. And nothing of value can go into the house (including plumbing fixtures) until the doors and windows are in, as they will most likely be stolen. I may yet use the space up there for yoga, meditation or sun bathing though . . . as it´s far above any other properties.
The shack itself is charming . . . fully equipped when I arrived with a multitude of spiders webs and nests (4 hours of cleaning later, I believe I have evicted most of them). The walls are boards that almost meet, and the roof is a standard issue Guatemalan tin roof, affixed with heavy rocks holding it down. Essentially, I have a roof as long as no one takes the rock piles. I figure it worked for Katherine for the last 6 years . . . I should be ok. There is one light in the place, but it´s so small that one is plenty. There is no outside light so when I found a string of Christmas lights at the Saturday market (really a community flea market) I bought them and set them up outside so I´d have light to come home to after work.
Now that I´ve cleaned it, added an extra shelf unit that I found under the bed, set up my clothes, added an extra foam and my colourful spread on the bed . . . etc., I´m actually surprisingly comfy here. It´s not supposed to rain at this time of year AT ALL, but it has been in the evenings . . .and I´ve been quite content on the couple that I wasn´t working to curl up with tea, candles and a book. During the day I´m either out or I sit on the porch of the big house to have my tea, eat my meals, read a book or make hoops.
So, I´m not fully sure why I took the place or why I´m so comfortable here. Certainly, the warm climate facilitates some adjustments more easily than the chilly Canadian winter. . . but I know that´s not the whole story. I know that part of it is a readiness to tackle my own 'stuff' around stuff . . . and around comfort . . .and to explore what simplicity can offer me. I´m not against being comfortable (I did bring two pillows with me . . . with NO regrets) . . . .but I do think it´s important for me to know what comfort really is, and to able to live comfortably without needing a lot of the conveniences. Not only is it less expensive, but it´s also easier on the mother . . . the earth is much happier with compost toilets than with the incredible polluting waste of flush toilets. Which is not to say I won´t appreciate having one again . . . just that I´ll make choices with greater awareness and with a wider range of choice about where and how I can live when I get home.
An interesting learning journey this is . . . .indeed.
PS: pictures are up so you can see for yourself! http://picasaweb.google.com/Called2Inspire
Monday, February 15, 2010
An exploration of Love
I was challenged recently by a wise teacher to meditate daily on the question, "What is Love?" I am finding it a surprisingly challenging meditation, one that raises far more questions than it answers. This post is really an invitation for responses. I would love to hear how others answer this question.
As I sat this morning, contemplating this question over a fresh fruit liquado with almonds and cacao, I realized that I could easily articulate the ways I show others that I love them, but I had more trouble articulating how I KNOW what love is, or how it feels. Especially when I reflect on what it means to love oneself.
I mean . . . really . . . who do YOU know that never (or even, rarely,) doubts themselves? Or how about someone that never berates themselves? (Most people I know would never let someone talk to them, or to someone they love the way they talk to themselves!!) Who do you know that accepts themselves unconditionally, without judgment? How many people do you know who, without hesitation, put their own needs first (not unkindly to others - just with confidence that their own needs deserve to be attended to?).
How many people do you know, that when questioned, can honestly and unhesitatingly say, "absolutely - I love myself!"
For me, I know that there is almost no one I know that I have seen that fits all of the above, although I am reassured to find an increasing number of people in my world who can say they love themselves, or at least like themselves a lot.
Which brings me back to the question: What is love? Is it unconditional acceptance? Is it release of judgment? What about forgiveness? Where does it fit? Is love the yearning to spend time with someone? Is love the yearning to take care of someone? To inspire them to smile? To show affection? Is love the capacity to put someone first? To witness? To really see, hear, listen?
If some, all or any of these are love . . . how do they fit when applied to self-love?
How do you KNOW you love someone? How do you KNOW you love yourself?
Does the knowing need to be constant or can it ebb and flow like all other things in life? Is it possible to love sometimes, and not others . . . and to know that´s ok too?
I know these questions are deep for a Monday morning . . . (or afternoon, depending on where you are) . .. but they are what´s on my mind and I am eager to hear what you think.
With much love and deep curiosity,
Shoshana
As I sat this morning, contemplating this question over a fresh fruit liquado with almonds and cacao, I realized that I could easily articulate the ways I show others that I love them, but I had more trouble articulating how I KNOW what love is, or how it feels. Especially when I reflect on what it means to love oneself.
I mean . . . really . . . who do YOU know that never (or even, rarely,) doubts themselves? Or how about someone that never berates themselves? (Most people I know would never let someone talk to them, or to someone they love the way they talk to themselves!!) Who do you know that accepts themselves unconditionally, without judgment? How many people do you know who, without hesitation, put their own needs first (not unkindly to others - just with confidence that their own needs deserve to be attended to?).
How many people do you know, that when questioned, can honestly and unhesitatingly say, "absolutely - I love myself!"
For me, I know that there is almost no one I know that I have seen that fits all of the above, although I am reassured to find an increasing number of people in my world who can say they love themselves, or at least like themselves a lot.
Which brings me back to the question: What is love? Is it unconditional acceptance? Is it release of judgment? What about forgiveness? Where does it fit? Is love the yearning to spend time with someone? Is love the yearning to take care of someone? To inspire them to smile? To show affection? Is love the capacity to put someone first? To witness? To really see, hear, listen?
If some, all or any of these are love . . . how do they fit when applied to self-love?
How do you KNOW you love someone? How do you KNOW you love yourself?
Does the knowing need to be constant or can it ebb and flow like all other things in life? Is it possible to love sometimes, and not others . . . and to know that´s ok too?
I know these questions are deep for a Monday morning . . . (or afternoon, depending on where you are) . .. but they are what´s on my mind and I am eager to hear what you think.
With much love and deep curiosity,
Shoshana
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Mayan Wedding on the Sacred Hill
Early into my stay in San Marcos, I had the privilege of attending a Mayan ritual up on a sacred hill over looking the lake. I don´t remember anymore how I found out about it, but I was told it would be a ritual to heal the lake and that it was open, so my friend (and fellow Cortesian) Barbara and I wandered up.
It was definitely an interesting day. The Sacred spot is up a steep hill, behind a hostel called Xamanek (pronounced Shamanek). The climb to Xamenek alone is a good one . . . challenging enough for one as not-so-fleet footed as me . . . the hill beyond was work. When Barbara and I wandered up, we didn´t really know where we were aiming for . .. we just knew it was up the hill somewhere. When we got up to the hostel there was no sign of any ceremony and no people around . . . and the one woman working at the hostel was less than forthcoming or helpful (I think she was having a rough day). Stymied, we hung around for a little while . .. explored a little around the hostel and then decided to head back down, surrendering that we weren´t meant to go.
So we got about a third of the way back down the hill when we had to move aside for three men carrying a marimba up the hill. Yes - a full size marimba up a steep foot path, I kid you not. The marimba was preceded by a man I instinctively knew was the Mayan Shaman . . . .not certain how I knew, but I did. Barbara and I stared at each other for a moment, contemplated the climb back up and decided that if they could schlep the marimba, we could manage to follow them. It was shortly thereafter we discovered the even steeper (mountain goat) path behind the hostel, making us wonder aloud several times how these men could climb it with a marimba . . . and yet they did.
The ceremony was slated to start at 10 . .. it was about 20 after when the set up really began. It started with creating the fire pit. The circle of rocks are a permanent fixture on the hill. What they dress it with for the sacred fire is astounding. The Shaman started by drawing a + in the circle, with white sugar, making it into a mandala. Then each of the corners was filled in with little circle things made, I think, from peat. These were followed by groups of taper candles, honey, . . . and so many other things, I´m sorry I can´t recall. What was most astonishing for me was the incredible number of candles that went in. While some were put in standing up so that their wicks could be lit in the normal way, there were also just clumps of small and large tapers positioned into the fire pit.
Once the fire was started, it built into quite a blaze . . . often billowing black smoke as the paraffin candles were consumed, whole, by the flames. I´ve never seen anything quite like it.
As it turned out, although it had been originally slated to be a ceremony for the lake, a couple´s yearning to be married by a Mayan Shaman had taken precedence and so we had the privilege of witnessing that. The ceremony went for well over 4 hours . . . although Barbara and I left after about 3 or so. We hadn´t prepared sufficiently for the conditions - intense sun, intense heat . . . . sitting / standing for that long. We just didn´t know.
What we saw was beautiful and intense. Much of it was translated into English, though with the marimba playing behind me I had trouble hearing much of it. Prayers, invocations and gratitude spoken by the Shaman or one of the other circle leaders (not sure - assistants, other shamans . . . . apprentices???) alternated with ceremonial tossing of things into the fire. Corn, rice, more candles . . . etc. Generally whatever was being offered to the flame was passed around first to all of us so that we could put our own blessings / intentions into the items and then everyone had a turn offering their items to the fire.
Again, while I missed much of the verbiage, there were a few things that stood out for me. One was that the Shaman explained that before they had even been allowed to come up to the hill to be married in the ceremony, the Shaman had spent an entire day with the couple grilling them on their hopes, dreams, expectations and commitments for this marriage. During the ceremony itself they were also asked WHY they had opted for a Mayan ceremony - what it meant to them - and what their commitment was to this marriage, this process . . .etc. They were then expected to answer in front of the circle of witnesses. These were not rhetorical questions.
The other thing that stood out for me was the level of devotion, passion, spirit that was brought to the ritual by those participating / facilitating. I didn´t need to hear or understand the words being spoken to feel the love, the reverence, the beauty of what was being created and celebrated. I couldn´t hear the words of commitment spoken by the couple, but I could see it in their faces and feel it from their hearts. Truly it was beautiful.
When Barbara and I decided to leave, I found I felt really ok to go. While it would have been lovely to witness the remainder of the ceremony, I felt like I had been gifted already with all that I had experienced, and I knew that my body needed shade and lots more water. It was truly a privilege to have witnessed as much as I had . . . and I trust there will be other ceremonies here if/when I am moved to attend again. It´s that kind of sacred place here.
It was definitely an interesting day. The Sacred spot is up a steep hill, behind a hostel called Xamanek (pronounced Shamanek). The climb to Xamenek alone is a good one . . . challenging enough for one as not-so-fleet footed as me . . . the hill beyond was work. When Barbara and I wandered up, we didn´t really know where we were aiming for . .. we just knew it was up the hill somewhere. When we got up to the hostel there was no sign of any ceremony and no people around . . . and the one woman working at the hostel was less than forthcoming or helpful (I think she was having a rough day). Stymied, we hung around for a little while . .. explored a little around the hostel and then decided to head back down, surrendering that we weren´t meant to go.
So we got about a third of the way back down the hill when we had to move aside for three men carrying a marimba up the hill. Yes - a full size marimba up a steep foot path, I kid you not. The marimba was preceded by a man I instinctively knew was the Mayan Shaman . . . .not certain how I knew, but I did. Barbara and I stared at each other for a moment, contemplated the climb back up and decided that if they could schlep the marimba, we could manage to follow them. It was shortly thereafter we discovered the even steeper (mountain goat) path behind the hostel, making us wonder aloud several times how these men could climb it with a marimba . . . and yet they did.
The ceremony was slated to start at 10 . .. it was about 20 after when the set up really began. It started with creating the fire pit. The circle of rocks are a permanent fixture on the hill. What they dress it with for the sacred fire is astounding. The Shaman started by drawing a + in the circle, with white sugar, making it into a mandala. Then each of the corners was filled in with little circle things made, I think, from peat. These were followed by groups of taper candles, honey, . . . and so many other things, I´m sorry I can´t recall. What was most astonishing for me was the incredible number of candles that went in. While some were put in standing up so that their wicks could be lit in the normal way, there were also just clumps of small and large tapers positioned into the fire pit.
Once the fire was started, it built into quite a blaze . . . often billowing black smoke as the paraffin candles were consumed, whole, by the flames. I´ve never seen anything quite like it.
As it turned out, although it had been originally slated to be a ceremony for the lake, a couple´s yearning to be married by a Mayan Shaman had taken precedence and so we had the privilege of witnessing that. The ceremony went for well over 4 hours . . . although Barbara and I left after about 3 or so. We hadn´t prepared sufficiently for the conditions - intense sun, intense heat . . . . sitting / standing for that long. We just didn´t know.
What we saw was beautiful and intense. Much of it was translated into English, though with the marimba playing behind me I had trouble hearing much of it. Prayers, invocations and gratitude spoken by the Shaman or one of the other circle leaders (not sure - assistants, other shamans . . . . apprentices???) alternated with ceremonial tossing of things into the fire. Corn, rice, more candles . . . etc. Generally whatever was being offered to the flame was passed around first to all of us so that we could put our own blessings / intentions into the items and then everyone had a turn offering their items to the fire.
Again, while I missed much of the verbiage, there were a few things that stood out for me. One was that the Shaman explained that before they had even been allowed to come up to the hill to be married in the ceremony, the Shaman had spent an entire day with the couple grilling them on their hopes, dreams, expectations and commitments for this marriage. During the ceremony itself they were also asked WHY they had opted for a Mayan ceremony - what it meant to them - and what their commitment was to this marriage, this process . . .etc. They were then expected to answer in front of the circle of witnesses. These were not rhetorical questions.
The other thing that stood out for me was the level of devotion, passion, spirit that was brought to the ritual by those participating / facilitating. I didn´t need to hear or understand the words being spoken to feel the love, the reverence, the beauty of what was being created and celebrated. I couldn´t hear the words of commitment spoken by the couple, but I could see it in their faces and feel it from their hearts. Truly it was beautiful.
When Barbara and I decided to leave, I found I felt really ok to go. While it would have been lovely to witness the remainder of the ceremony, I felt like I had been gifted already with all that I had experienced, and I knew that my body needed shade and lots more water. It was truly a privilege to have witnessed as much as I had . . . and I trust there will be other ceremonies here if/when I am moved to attend again. It´s that kind of sacred place here.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Finding my rhythm here
Well, it seems I´m settling in to something vaguely resembling a routine . . . though definitely stronger on the vaguely than on the routine part. The routine part is covered by work: I waitress 5-6 nights a week, so the rest of my life is planned around needing to be at Fé for about 5:30. It´s certainly not a long term career ambition, but I am enjoying it for now. My days unfold a little differently each day, depending on how I feel and what inspires me.
I´m starting to make some friends, casually at least, and discovering where I like to hang out when I´m not working. One of my favourite spots is down at the swim rocks, looking out at the water and the volcanoes. I don´t swim every day, but despite the dire warnings about the lake here . . . it seems safe enough to swim in here in the San Marcos inlet and it always feels wonderful when I do. A little sudsy when the locals do their laundry, but no adverse reactions my body . . . and given how sensitive I am, I figure that´s the best barometer I can go with.
I also seem to be gathering critical mass interest for my dance and hoop classes, and am hoping to start teaching next week. I have my first hoop assembled, and while I´m not super thrilled with the piping I´ve been able to find here, it definitely works and it looks good. Once I figure out the logistics of music, location and get enough hoops made I should be good to go with my various classes. I´m also hoping to start volunteering with the schools, teaching the kids to make and use hoops. Not sure yet how/when that will unfold, but it´s getting closer on the radar.
Now I´m off to the last day of my Plant Medicine course. Whenever I do return home, it will certainly be with a new basket full of knowledge, skills, tools and experiences. And no question, with a significantly different perspective on the world and how I live in it.
I´m starting to make some friends, casually at least, and discovering where I like to hang out when I´m not working. One of my favourite spots is down at the swim rocks, looking out at the water and the volcanoes. I don´t swim every day, but despite the dire warnings about the lake here . . . it seems safe enough to swim in here in the San Marcos inlet and it always feels wonderful when I do. A little sudsy when the locals do their laundry, but no adverse reactions my body . . . and given how sensitive I am, I figure that´s the best barometer I can go with.
I also seem to be gathering critical mass interest for my dance and hoop classes, and am hoping to start teaching next week. I have my first hoop assembled, and while I´m not super thrilled with the piping I´ve been able to find here, it definitely works and it looks good. Once I figure out the logistics of music, location and get enough hoops made I should be good to go with my various classes. I´m also hoping to start volunteering with the schools, teaching the kids to make and use hoops. Not sure yet how/when that will unfold, but it´s getting closer on the radar.
Now I´m off to the last day of my Plant Medicine course. Whenever I do return home, it will certainly be with a new basket full of knowledge, skills, tools and experiences. And no question, with a significantly different perspective on the world and how I live in it.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Manifesting abundance, clarity . . . .and there I am, back in the Fast Lane
I´m not sure how I managed it, but overnight I went from the slower, introspective pace of the pyramids to so busy I haven´t been able to find 10 minutes in the net cafe all week. Today is my first `day off' . . . finally.
The last couple of days of my retreat, while still powerful and introspective, were coloured by my increasing worry about my post-retreat plans . . . specifically in terms of where to live and how to pay for it. Life in Guatemala is extremely cheap, but it can be deceiving and easy to go through money quickly when doing the calculation all the time . . . oh, this is just $5 and that beautiful thing is only $10 . . . no problem . . . Suddenly, I discovered I had very little savings left (although I now own some beautiful Guatemalan handi-crafts, I´ve had some phenomenal body-work and an amazing month at the pyramids). But push suddenly was approaching shove, and I was aware that either money needed to start coming in, or I needed to look at heading home.
After spending far too much time worrying about something I could do NOTHING about while in silence . . . especially when I really wanted and needed to be focused elsewhere, I finally surrendered. I decided that either a clear money source would present itself in the coming week, or I would look to make travel arrangements to return home. That surrender happened Saturday. Sunday I moved out of the pyramids and back into La Paz, where I had been staying prior to the pyramids, and Monday morning, I got offered a full-time waitressing job. The universe can´t get much more clear than that . . .really. Apparently getting a 'job' in San Marcos is almost unheard of. There are lots of entrepreneurial ways to make money, and I intend to explore them . . . but in the mean time, the message is clear . . .I need to be here a while longer. I also have a place to live, almost for free. I will be house and cat-sitting for a friend who is going traveling. The universe does provide, we need only to ask.
So, having already signed up for a massage course for the week, and now having a full-time waitressing job in the evenings . . . I suddenly had myself a VERY busy week. Tonight I finally have a night off, and I´m off to a Sangria party for a friend who´s heading back to Britain.
The last couple of days of my retreat, while still powerful and introspective, were coloured by my increasing worry about my post-retreat plans . . . specifically in terms of where to live and how to pay for it. Life in Guatemala is extremely cheap, but it can be deceiving and easy to go through money quickly when doing the calculation all the time . . . oh, this is just $5 and that beautiful thing is only $10 . . . no problem . . . Suddenly, I discovered I had very little savings left (although I now own some beautiful Guatemalan handi-crafts, I´ve had some phenomenal body-work and an amazing month at the pyramids). But push suddenly was approaching shove, and I was aware that either money needed to start coming in, or I needed to look at heading home.
After spending far too much time worrying about something I could do NOTHING about while in silence . . . especially when I really wanted and needed to be focused elsewhere, I finally surrendered. I decided that either a clear money source would present itself in the coming week, or I would look to make travel arrangements to return home. That surrender happened Saturday. Sunday I moved out of the pyramids and back into La Paz, where I had been staying prior to the pyramids, and Monday morning, I got offered a full-time waitressing job. The universe can´t get much more clear than that . . .really. Apparently getting a 'job' in San Marcos is almost unheard of. There are lots of entrepreneurial ways to make money, and I intend to explore them . . . but in the mean time, the message is clear . . .I need to be here a while longer. I also have a place to live, almost for free. I will be house and cat-sitting for a friend who is going traveling. The universe does provide, we need only to ask.
So, having already signed up for a massage course for the week, and now having a full-time waitressing job in the evenings . . . I suddenly had myself a VERY busy week. Tonight I finally have a night off, and I´m off to a Sangria party for a friend who´s heading back to Britain.
Emerging from Silence
It´s been exactly a week since I emerged from silence. I´m still not sure how to describe my experience of that week, although if you´ve read my previous post, you know that while I may have been silent . . . my world here wasn´t. Truthfully, my own silence was far from perfect, but it was profound and beautiful.
Having had post-retreat conversations with folks who have done Vipassana or other similar silent retreats, it is clearly a very different experience. I didn´t find the going-within, being in my own mental, reflective space part of the silence so challenging. It was a welcome opportunity . . . though I noticed that like many of the other extroverts in the group, we tended to cluster, even in silence, just to share space with each other. It was interesting to see how folks hung out in the grey zone though. The first couple of days in particular, there was a lot of shoulder massage exchanging and note writing by those who were most struggling with the internal journey. . . . and then the days in between that settled into more quiet, and then the last day especially as we all geared up for the final celebration / ritual and the whispered conversations emerged.
It is the last that alludes to the most challenging part for me . . . which is that, unlike Vipassana, where your only purpose and task is to BE in silence, here we had shared tasks, a community built over 3 weeks and logistics to coordinate with each other . . . from sharing a kitchen and daily required medicinal teas, to ensuring everyone had the requisite white outfits on the last night. One lovely woman coordinated white flowers for us all to wear in our hair and as boutonnieres, etc. And, of course, after a month together . . . we needed to coordinate the post-silence celebration .. . . all done through notes left around, pointing, gesturing, smiles and nods. Probably comical to watch from the outside.
Overall, however, it was an amazing time for reflection and inner focus. Our week was loosely structured with specific places we needed to spend time in each day, and specific questions to meditate on in each of those places. It will likely be months before I have fully integrated all that I discovered, uncovered and connected with in those places. For sure I am more connected with my inner light, with the divine and with the light and beauty in all beings.
Having had post-retreat conversations with folks who have done Vipassana or other similar silent retreats, it is clearly a very different experience. I didn´t find the going-within, being in my own mental, reflective space part of the silence so challenging. It was a welcome opportunity . . . though I noticed that like many of the other extroverts in the group, we tended to cluster, even in silence, just to share space with each other. It was interesting to see how folks hung out in the grey zone though. The first couple of days in particular, there was a lot of shoulder massage exchanging and note writing by those who were most struggling with the internal journey. . . . and then the days in between that settled into more quiet, and then the last day especially as we all geared up for the final celebration / ritual and the whispered conversations emerged.
It is the last that alludes to the most challenging part for me . . . which is that, unlike Vipassana, where your only purpose and task is to BE in silence, here we had shared tasks, a community built over 3 weeks and logistics to coordinate with each other . . . from sharing a kitchen and daily required medicinal teas, to ensuring everyone had the requisite white outfits on the last night. One lovely woman coordinated white flowers for us all to wear in our hair and as boutonnieres, etc. And, of course, after a month together . . . we needed to coordinate the post-silence celebration .. . . all done through notes left around, pointing, gesturing, smiles and nods. Probably comical to watch from the outside.
Overall, however, it was an amazing time for reflection and inner focus. Our week was loosely structured with specific places we needed to spend time in each day, and specific questions to meditate on in each of those places. It will likely be months before I have fully integrated all that I discovered, uncovered and connected with in those places. For sure I am more connected with my inner light, with the divine and with the light and beauty in all beings.
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