Solstice to Solstice - a journey of many transitions

It's been almost exactly a year since I posted a blog.  I'm tempted to wonder where that year went.... but as I pause and reflect, the answers are enough to fill many posts.  It has been a year of inward journey.  After 2 years of exploring the world .... Guatemala, India, Nepal ... I have spent the last one exploring my inner world, growing myself, building fertile soil for my next journey.

There is something powerful about the solstice to mark times of transition.  I left for Guatemala on Winter Solstice, 2009.  I returned to British Columbia exactly six months later, on Summer Solstice.   It is two summer solstices later, and I am again called to reflect on the transitions and what is unfolding before me.

This past year has been one of profound paradox for me.  Developing myself as a professional consultant while simultaneously developing myself as a somatically based yoga teacher.  Playing dressup in  'professional' heels and navigating corporate politics through the week; donning yoga pants, with my raw-vegan potluck contribution to the world of deep emotional connection on the weekends.  And through the process finding my voice of authenticity in both.  Finding the place where I can bring heart and connection into the corporate world, and where I can bring my professional skills into the powerful realm of yoga and connection.

As I move forward this year, I know that my work life will continue to shift into greater alignment - and with each step forward, I am able to see the incredible value of each step I've taken, perhaps most especially the difficult ones.  I am grateful for all the places where I have bumped against the questions of balance, alignment, integrity, and purpose.  Those questions have enabled me to be more present in those moments, and to grow from them.... and to make choices with ever greater clarity.

This week I got to play with another level of balance, as I brought my 'professional' skills into a community I care deeply about, and helped them move forward through an important piece of work - that for them is all about connection.  I see what is possible when I bring all of me together in service work, and I am excited about what is possible.

I don't know yet exactly what this year will look like, but I know it will be yet another layer of balance - of the inner and the outer.  Of bringing my voice to the work that I do, and sharing it.  You can count on more to come.

The journey continues: Getting ready for India

Before I left for Guatemala I was encouraged to journal or blog my 'leading up' process as an integral part of the journey.  I don't think I did a great job of it as I was just too busy flurrying around getting ready.  This time I was sure I would do it differently, having experienced how integral the pre-flight part of the journey is to the process.  Like last year, however, the pre-flight part of the journey has been the craziest time: emotionally volatile, full of hurry-up-and-wait details, logistics and general mayhem.  So here I am, two days prior to departure, starting up my blog again after a hiatus of 3 months of intense journey preparation.

For those who don't know, I'm heading to India in two days.  Delhi to be exact . . . .at least as my starting point / home base.  I will be there, we anticipate, for about 5-6 months, returning in late April or early May.  If all goes well, I'll head back there again sometime between July & September of next year for a second stint, duration as yet undetermined.  Let's see how the first trip goes first.

At this point, the how-I-got-to-this-point background might be helpful for some.  It's all part of the my 'transition summer'.  The part I didn't write about as it was happening, because I was sitting on the hurry-up-and-wait train to yes-it's-for-real. 

After my return from Guatemala, I spent the first few months job-searching like crazy, determined to line myself up with a good, responsible, lucrative J.O.B. aligned with my passion and values, that would enable me to be financially free within two years so that I could be free to make big choices again.  I discovered in late July / early August that universe appeared to have a slightly different agenda for me.  I got a call from the consulting firm I've worked for over the past two years to explore whether I was interested in going to India on their behalf.  Yes, really.  But I didn't want to post it to the world in case it wasn't for real.  Because, in the way of true Indian time (which makes Latin American time look positively prompt), it took a LONG time to get to the for-sure-yes-I'm-going confirmation.  Truthfully, while talks began in late July, I didn't have a ticket in hand until less than a month ago.   And once I was fully confirmed to go, it has been full-tilt forward in preparations ever since.

So, here I am, with a 6-month business Visa, a one-way air-ticket (again) and a huge agenda, headed to one of the most interesting, daunting, exciting, different, countries in the world. An emerging economic world-player with poverty like I've never seen, heritage and culture that is thousands of years old, and a powerful reputation for causing immense digestive discomfort. I'm excited, terrified, curious, confident, humbled, and prepared (I think) to be completely unprepared for the wonder that is India.

As for the 'reason' I'm going . . . .it's an interesting intersection of forces.  I have wanted to go to India, personally, for a number of years, and knew I would eventually.  I never imagined I'd be paid to go though.  How cool is that?  It appears the universe conspired with me to make it happen.  Certainly if you'd told me a year ago that I'd be in India this fall, I'd have said you were nuts.  Most certainly, if anyone had told me 5 years ago that this is what I'd be doing now, I'd have laughed until my gut hurt. 

Of course, along with the metaphysical / personal reasons for going to India, there is what I'm getting paid for while I'm there.  Ostensibly, I am going to help support the launch of a coaching-skills training program for managers.  I will be training trainers and coaches, helping to market the program, and generally supporting the unfolding of this program and the book that goes with it, in the Indian market.  There's probably more to it than that, but as this is a personal blog . . . that's about all the detail that's relevant.  More relevant for me is that this feels like a deep stretch both personally and professionally.  I am being called to step up to the plate and play full-out, using my education (finally some justification for all that money spent!) and my experience.  There is no room to play small.  It's time to pull on my big-girl panties, put on my business suit and go be a professional.

Ok . . . have you had a good giggle at that image?  Good, me too.  Turns out the business suit will be mostly metaphorical, as I will be wearing Saris and Salwar Kameez as my professional clothes - with general consensus that they will be a much better fit for me.  I was told at one point that the reason I was chosen to go was because the team could envision me delivering training in a Sari - who knew how true that would be???

In the mean time, I need to complete my preparations, pack my suitcase and get ready for the adventure of a lifetime.  Tuesday afternoon I  embark on 24 hours in the air, followed by a couple of do-nothing-but-sleep days, some clothes shopping, and I should be ready to start work in India by next Monday. 

As I sit next to my best friend, blogging in a Starbucks in Delta, it's hard for me to even fathom how different life will feel this time next Sunday afternoon.

Ready to go home . . . .the long route

Although I'm not exactly certain what caused the shift, it has finally come and I am ready to return to Canadian soil.  I think it happened as I approached the prospect of a week in Antigua, celebrating Semana Santa.  I know that it cemented upon my return to San Marcos.

I have been in Guatemala for four months, and will be here for just over another two weeks.  There is no question it has been a life changing experience - though in what ways and to what extent, I suspect I won't really know for months yet.

In true Shosh-style, I essentially ran out of money after about my first month here, and so, faced with my own immanent and premature departure, I promptly panicked, pouted, whined and agonized.   Then I stopped, remembered there was another way, and I put out a request to the universe: show me the money.  I asked for a clear sign - is it time for me to go?  Or should I stay?  And if I'm to stay, show me how I'll pay for it.  And then I let it go . . . and accepted that I didn't know if I was staying or leaving, but I was ok either way.

Within 36 hours I was offered a job as a waitress; a day later I was offered a place to stay, essentially for free, I just had to pay the hydro bill and take care of the cats. The universe provided - and it was effortless for me, I just had to let go.

Three months later, I have been working 5 nights a week at the restaurant, and teaching my dance class once a week.  I've managed to save a little - just enough to go to Antigua for the week (again, with a free place to stay).  One does not get ahead here, one gets by.  And for as long as I've needed to be here, to be present to my growth, to soak in the lake and the energy of this sacred place, that has been enough.

When I left for Antigua, I was in definitive need of a vacation . . . . from my vacation????  It was a reminder of how profoundly I was not on vacation here, and although fundamentally, that's ok - I didn't come for a 'vacation' so much as a journey . . . I was tired from working 6 nights a week. Something had shifted.

When I returned to San Marcos from my week in Antigua, I landed with an emotional thump. I didn't want to return to work; I didn't want to work that hard just to 'be' here anymore. It wasn't the first time I had recognized that I could work half as hard to earn 10 times as much at home, but it was the first time it had really bothered me.  Up until this point, the appeal of staying here out-weighed the appeal of earning money, instead of peanuts. For the first time, the prospect of returning to Canada, to work, felt exciting and full of possibilities.  Up until that point, it had felt only daunting and somehow like a 'should' hanging over my head. 

I've actually seen very little of Guatemala - this vast country of highlands, lowlands, mountains, lakes, ruins, beaches, fascinating people and culture.  I have spent almost all of my time in San Marcos, learning, growing, resting, healing . . . and working.  Once the emotional dust from my week in Antigua settled, I became clear that although there is so much more here I could do and see and experience - and I would like to return for all those things - I have gotten what I needed out of this journey. It has been exactly what it needed to be. 

What surprises me, perhaps the most, is my choice to return to Ontario instead of BC.  Not that I plan to stay there long - BC is truly my home - but some part of me is truly mystified by my choice to spend summer in smoggy, unrelenting, citified Ontario, rather than swimming off the rocks at home on Cortes.  As that decision settled into my spirit (with some fine protest by my mind!!) I realized that I have a profound need to reconnect with my family.  I don't fully understand it - beyond the obvious (I love them, I miss them . . . etc.), but something larger than me is clear I need to go home to them this summer, and so it shall be.

So, the journey home will be a longer, more circuitous one than I originally envisioned, but I trust that all things unfold as they are meant to.  I have some exciting hopes and plans for my time in Ontario, and I am looking forward to reconnecting with many old friends in a way that just doesn't happen in 2-week visits.  I plan to be back in BC by the end of September, grounded and ready to settle in to my home.

Finding my rhythm here

Well, it seems I´m settling in to something vaguely resembling a routine . . . though definitely stronger on the vaguely than on the routine part.  The routine part is covered by work: I waitress 5-6 nights a week, so the rest of my life is planned around needing to be at Fé for about 5:30.  It´s certainly not a long term career ambition, but I am enjoying it for now.  My days unfold a little differently each day, depending on how I feel and what inspires me.

I´m starting to make some friends, casually at least, and discovering where I like to hang out when I´m not working.  One of my favourite spots is down at the swim rocks, looking out at the water and the volcanoes.  I don´t swim every day, but despite the dire warnings about the lake here . . . it seems safe enough to swim in here in the San Marcos inlet and it always feels wonderful when I do.  A little sudsy when the locals do their laundry, but no adverse reactions my body . . . and given how sensitive I am, I figure that´s the best barometer I can go with. 

I also seem to be gathering critical mass interest for my dance and hoop classes, and am hoping to start teaching next week.  I have my first hoop assembled, and while I´m not super thrilled with the piping I´ve been able to find here, it definitely works and it looks good.  Once I figure out the logistics of music, location and get enough hoops made I should be good to go with my various classes.  I´m also hoping to start volunteering with the schools, teaching the kids to make and use hoops.  Not sure yet how/when that will unfold, but it´s getting closer on the radar.  

Now I´m off to the last day of my Plant Medicine course.  Whenever I do return home, it will certainly be with a new basket full of knowledge, skills, tools and experiences.  And no question, with a significantly different perspective on the world and how I live in it.

Manifesting abundance, clarity . . . .and there I am, back in the Fast Lane

I´m not sure how I managed it, but overnight I went from the slower, introspective pace of the pyramids to so busy I haven´t been able to find 10 minutes in the net cafe all week.  Today is my first `day off' . . . finally.

The last couple of days of my retreat, while still powerful and introspective, were coloured by my increasing worry about my post-retreat plans . . . specifically in terms of where to live and how to pay for it.  Life in Guatemala is extremely cheap, but it can be deceiving and easy to go through money quickly when doing the calculation all the time . . . oh, this is just $5 and that beautiful thing is only $10 . . . no problem . . .  Suddenly, I discovered I had very little savings left (although I now own some beautiful Guatemalan handi-crafts, I´ve had some phenomenal body-work and an amazing month at the pyramids).  But push suddenly was approaching shove, and I was aware that either money needed to start coming in, or I needed to look at heading home.

After spending far too much time worrying about something I could do NOTHING about while in silence . . . especially when I really wanted and needed to be focused elsewhere, I finally surrendered.  I decided that either a clear money source would present itself in the coming week, or I would look to make travel arrangements to return home.  That surrender happened Saturday.  Sunday I moved out of the pyramids and back into La Paz, where I had been staying prior to the pyramids, and Monday morning, I got offered a full-time waitressing job.   The universe can´t get much more clear than that . . .really.  Apparently getting a 'job' in San Marcos is almost unheard of.  There are lots of entrepreneurial ways to make money, and I intend to explore them . . . but in the mean time, the message is clear . . .I need to be here a while longer.  I also have a place to live, almost for free.  I will be house and cat-sitting for a friend who is going traveling.  The universe does provide, we need only to ask. 

So, having already signed up for a massage course for the week, and now having a full-time waitressing job in the evenings . . . I suddenly had myself a VERY busy week.  Tonight I finally have a night off, and I´m off to a Sangria party for a friend who´s heading back to Britain.