Ready to go home . . . .the long route

Although I'm not exactly certain what caused the shift, it has finally come and I am ready to return to Canadian soil.  I think it happened as I approached the prospect of a week in Antigua, celebrating Semana Santa.  I know that it cemented upon my return to San Marcos.

I have been in Guatemala for four months, and will be here for just over another two weeks.  There is no question it has been a life changing experience - though in what ways and to what extent, I suspect I won't really know for months yet.

In true Shosh-style, I essentially ran out of money after about my first month here, and so, faced with my own immanent and premature departure, I promptly panicked, pouted, whined and agonized.   Then I stopped, remembered there was another way, and I put out a request to the universe: show me the money.  I asked for a clear sign - is it time for me to go?  Or should I stay?  And if I'm to stay, show me how I'll pay for it.  And then I let it go . . . and accepted that I didn't know if I was staying or leaving, but I was ok either way.

Within 36 hours I was offered a job as a waitress; a day later I was offered a place to stay, essentially for free, I just had to pay the hydro bill and take care of the cats. The universe provided - and it was effortless for me, I just had to let go.

Three months later, I have been working 5 nights a week at the restaurant, and teaching my dance class once a week.  I've managed to save a little - just enough to go to Antigua for the week (again, with a free place to stay).  One does not get ahead here, one gets by.  And for as long as I've needed to be here, to be present to my growth, to soak in the lake and the energy of this sacred place, that has been enough.

When I left for Antigua, I was in definitive need of a vacation . . . . from my vacation????  It was a reminder of how profoundly I was not on vacation here, and although fundamentally, that's ok - I didn't come for a 'vacation' so much as a journey . . . I was tired from working 6 nights a week. Something had shifted.

When I returned to San Marcos from my week in Antigua, I landed with an emotional thump. I didn't want to return to work; I didn't want to work that hard just to 'be' here anymore. It wasn't the first time I had recognized that I could work half as hard to earn 10 times as much at home, but it was the first time it had really bothered me.  Up until this point, the appeal of staying here out-weighed the appeal of earning money, instead of peanuts. For the first time, the prospect of returning to Canada, to work, felt exciting and full of possibilities.  Up until that point, it had felt only daunting and somehow like a 'should' hanging over my head. 

I've actually seen very little of Guatemala - this vast country of highlands, lowlands, mountains, lakes, ruins, beaches, fascinating people and culture.  I have spent almost all of my time in San Marcos, learning, growing, resting, healing . . . and working.  Once the emotional dust from my week in Antigua settled, I became clear that although there is so much more here I could do and see and experience - and I would like to return for all those things - I have gotten what I needed out of this journey. It has been exactly what it needed to be. 

What surprises me, perhaps the most, is my choice to return to Ontario instead of BC.  Not that I plan to stay there long - BC is truly my home - but some part of me is truly mystified by my choice to spend summer in smoggy, unrelenting, citified Ontario, rather than swimming off the rocks at home on Cortes.  As that decision settled into my spirit (with some fine protest by my mind!!) I realized that I have a profound need to reconnect with my family.  I don't fully understand it - beyond the obvious (I love them, I miss them . . . etc.), but something larger than me is clear I need to go home to them this summer, and so it shall be.

So, the journey home will be a longer, more circuitous one than I originally envisioned, but I trust that all things unfold as they are meant to.  I have some exciting hopes and plans for my time in Ontario, and I am looking forward to reconnecting with many old friends in a way that just doesn't happen in 2-week visits.  I plan to be back in BC by the end of September, grounded and ready to settle in to my home.