Despite the desperate last-minute nature of my race home for the holidays, it never really occurred to me not to come back. As I made that difficult decision on the morning of the 24th to 'abandon ship,' I was asked by the people who talked me through it if I would pack up everything - in case I didn't want to return. I declined.
Perhaps I didn't want to risk giving myself the 'out', if I changed my mind on the other side, but I also knew that India and I weren't finished with each other. The journey was incomplete. I wasn't quitting, just engaging in a temporary strategic retreat in order to regroup.
Now that I'm back, I've been asked if it was difficult to return. The answer is yes, no, and yes. It was hard to leave my loved ones all over again. It was also with genuine anticipation that I got on the plane, and with excitement that I navigated my way through Heathrow, and out from the Delhi airport back to my guest house. I smiled, even as I choked on the noxious smell of Delhi rising to meet the plane as it landed.
And it was hard to return to this country of immense and constant paradox, feeling only marginally more prepared to navigate her pathways.
Perhaps, most of all, it was hard to return to the site of my humility. To this place where I am faced, over and over, with my own ego and pride, with my privilege, and assumptions and stories. To the place where I get to witness my own shadow in its fullest embodiment as I am faced with constant ambiguity, and the reality of how truly not-in-control I am. Because if there is any place in the world to get *really* clear that control is just a big 'ol illusion - Mother India is the place. She tolerates no insubordination from her children.
One of my favourite jokes is the line, "Want to make God laugh? Tell him your plan". That would be Mother India. Go ahead, make her laugh: get attached to your plans, or to being on time, or to your reservations, or your belongings, or to your identity. It is suddenly of great clarity to me the correlation between the philosophical concepts of non-attachment, and their geographic place of origin. Non-attachment is not just a spiritual precept here. It's survival.
So I'm back, with a very loose plan, holding it very lightly . . . . ready to see what will unfold.
Monday, January 17, 2011
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