Home for the Holidays

First off, to all of my readers, I wish you the happiest of holiday seasons.  I've rewritten this next sentence six times, starting with "May you . . .  " but I can't quite find the words to describe what I wish for each of you beyond that first holiday greeting.  Perhaps that is because I believe that each of us has to choose what we wish for ourselves.

Perhaps also, because I know this time of year can be as challenging and sorrowful for some as it is joyous and celebratory for others.  Perhaps because I know that gratitude is such a huge part of my experience - and I can't mandate that for anyone else.

I am home for the holidays.  Completely unexpectedly.  I realized, on the morning of the 24th, alone in my guest-house bedroom in Delhi, that I couldn't stay there, so far away from the people I love over the holidays.  And I am grateful that I listened to the voice inside that said, "go home".  Especially when my mind concocted a dozen reasons why I should 'tough it out', 'stay the course' or whatever . . . . stories that started with the four-letter-word "should" and were designed to punish me for wanting to be where my heart was guiding me to be.

It was the right decision to come home for the holidays; to connect with my beloveds.  To touch hearts with those that I love, and to reground in what is important to me, to what guides me, to all the intangible things that make this place home, and these beautiful people my family.  It is also the right decision to return to Delhi in the new year.  I am not giving up on India, nor am I running away.  I simply needed to go to my source.

It has been one of the most challenging months of my life on many levels.  Culture shock comes in many shapes, forms and layers.  Moving to a place, even temporarily, to live and work is very different from traveling to / through a place.  Even though I ended up 'living' in Guatemala for almost 5 months - I went there as a traveler, as an explorer, and I stayed because I was content.  I had no one's agenda but my own.  Moving to India for 5+ months to work has a very different flavour, and a very different impact on the psyche.  And for all the surface similarities between these two developing nations . . . the differences are both subtle and immense.

It has also been a very challenging month for some of the people closest to me, and I treasure this opportunity to come home, and even as I seek and accept support and comfort, I am able to provide them.  This is the way of love, of family, of community.  And as I sit typing in the middle of the night, my body profoundly confused by time-zones and jet-lag, I am immensely and profoundly grateful for all that I have.  And truly, for me, that is what this season is about.

Christmas has never been a religious holiday for me.  As a child we celebrated Channukah in our home, and went to my maternal grandparents' for the Christmas tree, presents and santa. As I found my spiritual path, the solstice has become the most spiritual meaningful for me.  As an adult, I celebrate all three: all of them to me about a returning, nurturing, sustaining of the light - around us, within us, and between us. 

So, over this holiday season, I celebrate the vibrant light within me, and within each of the beings who touch my life.  I celebrate all that I have been blessed with - the joys and the sorrows, the challenges, the successes and the failures.  I celebrate the ecstasy and the laundry. And I am grateful for all of it.

I've decided what I want to wish for you.  I am wishing you all a celebration of the light - may you feel its warmth within, and see it reflected in the eyes of all those around you.

Namaste