Because at the 3 day mark I was ready to pack it in, but I couldn't, because I promised. At the week and a half mark, I was SOOO ready to come home! But I couldn't. Because I promised. And at the two and half week mark . . . yep, you guessed it: I want my mommy, and I want to go home. But . . .I bet you know what's coming: I promised. So, here I am at the three week mark, and I can go home now, because I've kept my promise.
Funny enough, now that I have the choice, I'm ready to stick around and really experience this place. I don't know how Peter picked 'three weeks' as the magic number, but it appears to be just that. The last week has been an emotional roller-coaster, dominated by frustration, impatience and irritability. (To all my friends and family who have borne witness and listened to me vent, Peter and I thank you.) Something shifted last night as I slept, and I awoke softened, more open, more able to see what is . . .and what's possible.
There is so much to learn from this incredible country, from its people, from its heritage. When I pause to think about a place with thousands of years of history and heritage, as compared with my country that really only recognizes a couple of hundred years. wow.
I won't say I'm smitten with India; just like Delhi streets, the relationship is just not that clean. But, somehow, I'm hooked, and I'm ready to open myself to her. And there are so many opportunities here to both look outside myself and look deep within as Mother India shines her mirror back at me.
The paradoxes and contradictions here boggle my mind. Every day I pass poverty on the streets like I've never seen. I spent Sunday afternoon with a friend and colleague at her
Literally, my head begins to ache as I think about these things. Some part of me can't let go of the notion that there is a systemic solution or a system of solutions that could change how we all co-exist in the world . . . . like a series of threads that if we could just reconnect them, would return us to balance. I am grateful to know that even as I get older, wiser, and generally more cynical, I remain an idealist. May I never grow up or out of that.
And may I never be hardened so that I can't see and feel the pain of the children on the streets, or the dogs that limp along hungry. And may I continue to open my heart to see the balance, rather than getting trapped in the sorrow. To laugh at the simple joy of children playing; even as they weave amidst the
I truly do not know what this journey holds for me. I have spent the last three weeks struggling against the not-knowing, wailing against the injustice of the universe demanding that I surrender into trust. I can't promise I won't continue to put up a fight occasionally, or that I won't continue to have moments of home-sickness, overwhelm, or just general India-fatigue. In fact, I think I can promise that all of the above will resurface again and again . . . .but I'm ready for them. I survived my first three weeks in India, and fulfilled my promise. Now I'm here because I choose to stay, because I am willing to trust the path unfolding in front of me. Because I can't resist, like a child in front of a christmas tree laden with gifts, the opportunity to unwrap the packaging and see what I find.
PS: Of course I know that I always had a choice to go home if I really wanted to, and I never really considered throwing in the towel . . . but it was touch and go for a moment or two, I'll admit.
such a lovely realization for us all - glad you're balancing, yearning, finding joy, sharing it, progressing professionally and growing spiritually - take care out there and all the best!
ReplyDeleteReading this I couldn't help but feel proud that you chose not to throw in the towel so quickly. It's adversity that makes us stronger (and puts hair on our chest...well for men anyway, and some women).
ReplyDeleteI'm reminded of this incredible adversity through a consulting contract I had when I was still in my crucial formative years as a Unix Admin. This contract required I knew 5 very intensive skills acquired through rather expensive training courses (typically $3,000/week). Quite honestly, I knew exactly ZERO of these as I was pretty much self-taught. Still, my agent somehow managed to get me the contract, but as I later learned, the customer had been told I was highly skilled when I wasn't. Every day my agent called me up and was astonished to see I was still there; he figured I might last an hour or two or a day tops as the previous consultant they'd hired knew all 5 skills but only lasted a month. I told him I refused to quit and that even if it kills me I will complete this 5 month contract. It was in that contract I first realized I was destined for great things and could do anything once I put my mind to it. In those 5 months I'd overcome incredible adversity and completed the contract with a 9.5/10 approval rating from the customer!